Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Giving it to God

(Note: I so admire bloggers who can be vulnerable and honest with their lives on their blog, so until I get nervous and take this down, this is me today...)

I have been thinking of this verse lately. 
My mind has been heavy with my own demons. Everyone’s got them. Or maybe you’d rather me say everyone’s got problems. Or as my mom always said, “all God’s children got problems.” Or maybe I should say we all have our own bad habits, or baggage, or struggles… the list could go on… and on…
So that is where you find me this week. I am filled with struggles in my own head. Struggles that make me feel sick to my stomach and depressed and confused and fearful. I am stuck with some major OCD this week and am trying desperately to climb out of that dark hole where all obsessive compulsive thoughts are stuck on repeat. (Suggestions welcome).
But last night, in the midst of my anxious and obsessive state, lying in bed begging sleep to come and relax my mind, I was given the memory of this verse: whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” It brought me some focus. It centered me. Actually, it did not center me – the Lord did. He is the one who strengths me when I am weak. Who has grace on me. Who can heal all the craziness running control in my head.
So I tried. I tried to think about things that were lovely and true and praiseworthy. It helped enough to fall asleep and to wake up this morning without my very first thought being the gross stuff (that was the second thought today). When I am in these OCD stretches the only real thing to do is pray and wait and breathe and try to change the TV station in my brain. It will get better. It comes from too much stress and too many hormones and who knows what else (genes maybe?), but when it is here it seems like I have lost control.
Thankfully, I do not need to control. I can give it to God. And I did. Again and again and again. He is a patient God and is willing to hear me ask for healing and peace too many times to count.
I am humbled by His grace and cling to His truth. Not only daily, but every moment on days like these.