Sunday, July 11, 2010

Messy

I live in a mess. Seriously, I look around my room and I see stacks of stuff everywhere. I use corners like I should cupboards and my bookshelves are so cluttered they are starting to dip in the middle from the weight of the words on the pages sitting on them. This weight of words is what my head feels like; this mess round me is what I feel like. I want to just throw it all away and start over. Every impulse in my body tonight is telling me to grab a pile and chuck it, but I also know that I may regret that decision in the morning when I am not so exhausted and hard on myself. Anyone can agree that I have too much stuff… for my bedroom. I have office items and bedroom items and living room items, etc. I have spent six years living independently in one room. I am 24 and have enough stuff, enough life accumulated, to fill half an apartment. And I think that is normal. I haven’t moved any of my stuff into the rest of the apartment, because I view it as corporate space and I am also kinda possessive. It’s just this messy cycle… there we go, my mess again. Maybe it’s just tonight. I’ve had a long and busy last few weeks. I just got back from Las Vegas today, was in Texas last week, two weeks before that I had Rachel’s wedding and before that our trip to Vegas, and in all of these activities I have the stress and pressure of this heavy independent study literature review I am trying to write and failing at. I’m exhausted and kind of grumpy, and when I get these moods I always feel the need to sleep or purge stuff. But I do need to purge, because if I insist on living an entire life of stuff in one room then I have to make some decisions of what to keep… which brings me to my next problem: decisions. I HATE making decisions. It doesn’t come easily to me and I feel guilty about lame things and I always feel overwhelmed. I’m also lazy. I like clutter. I like things… mainly books and magazines and sweet notes people have written me or cool pictures I’ve bought and music and movies and even old homework assignments. I want to be surrounded by these beautiful things… just not all in one room. I’m getting a new chair and ottoman on Saturday and I have no clue where it will fit in my room, because my room has no space left. (Sigh), I’m tired of the mess… in my room and in my head.

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