Saturday, April 17, 2010

fearing, needing, wishing

All over the place.
Trying to understand the pictures I have of the future
And the negative beliefs I have about my present state.
Believing my presence actually improve people’s lives.
My family’s life.
Feeling needy,
Not needed.
Needing to become less enmeshed.
Unsure how to do that.
One week up.
One week down.
Trying to let go.
Trying to embrace the unknown.
Fear of losing.
Fear of gaining.
Fear of loving.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of communication.
Fear of fear.
Fear of freedom.
Needing to have the courage
To write my own story.
It is all me.
Me who makes me feel unsure.
Me who believes I am only worth something if needed.
Me with my savior complex.
Me who avoids deciding who “me” is.
Me who avoids long Saturdays alone,
Because of the failure felt at the end of the day.
Feeling partly alive in two different places,
Needing one place for identity.
Feeling life won’t start until I choose one location.
Needing to be productive,
Hating productivity.
Wanting to just let things happen
Regarding my daily plans,
Can’t shake needing to force things to happen
About everything else.
And everyone’s lives around me.
Control freak.
Overly concerned.
Overly involved.
Over analyze.
Drive my family crazy.
Drive myself crazy.
Missing friends,
Wishing for friends,
Wishing for the past,
Wishing for the future.
Wishing for the girl I was.
Wishing for the girl I want to be.
Needed to embrace today.
Myself included.
That’s it.
That’s all.
That’s the point.
(photo from here, found through her.)

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