Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dreaming of domesticity


Today my co-workers celebrated my birthday (it is on Sunday). It was so sweet and wonderful! We went to my boss’ house for lunch and I loved every minute of it. Being at her home reminded me that as of the past couple of months I have realized one of my favorite things ever is to be invited over to friends’ houses. I love to see how people live and the way their personality and life is reflected in their home. I love to see people in their “natural habitat.” I think you can learn and gain a lot from this. I’ve had the pleasure of going to my boss’ house, my boss’ boss’ house over Christmas, and another couple’s house once a month and I love them all.
I have become obsessed with the idea of people’s homes. This has become even more evident because I have changed my route home from work so that I can drive down a long street lined with adorable and unique homes. I love to pass my favorite ones every night and wonder what it would be like to own it and live there, as well as wonder about the lives of the current owners.
I think I have become so interested in this idea of homes and visiting people’s houses because I no longer live in a “home.” Obviously, I have a home in San Diego and enjoy that whenever possible, but the majority of my life takes place in my apartment. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like my apartment and I LOVE living with my roommates and we have created a “home,” but, we do not live in a home, nor does my apartment really feel like one. Homes are cozy and personally decorated and a reflection of family and memories and peace. The strange thing is that my roommates have been able to make our apartment feel like a home and become “home,” and yet, I have not been able to do the same, especially in regards to my bedroom. For example, I bought a frame nearly a year ago for 16 pictures, but I still have yet to hang it up and place pictures in it. I’m not sure what exactly this means, but I have to admit it bothers me. I am troubled by the fact that I can’t completely nest. I haven’t…ever. It has been five years since I lived in a home (my home) and now that I have the freedom to create a new one I’ve hesitated. I think it is because nothing feels permanent, and to me, a home is permanent. It is a place you invest in and decorate and care for and nurture, because it is stable. Life is not yet stable for me. It is stable enough, but not enough to fully nest. Does this even make sense? This post is beginning to sound much more depressing than I intended. I do not find this depressing at all. I think of it as truth, and a truth that is completely normal for my age and station in life. It is just part of my journey.
Someday I will have a home, and this has become much more a dream during this time of my life. It is nice. I never really craved domesticity or stability as much as I do now. When I was younger I wanted dreams and adventure and independence, but the older I get the more I want a small and quaint life. The more I see the beauty in relationships and family and stability. The more I realize that yes, life can be a series of adventures through travel and excitement, but I have also realized that life holds plenty of excitement and adventure in the day to day moments. The Lord created us to want community, and sometimes community is best formed through stability and in the home. It can be a beautiful thing.

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